December 22, 2009 ~ What’s Going On With Me
“My beloved is mine, and I am his”
Song of Solomon 2:16
This post is just to update what’s been going on physically. It’s as much for me as anyone else because I’ve been using this blog to log progress and setbacks and it’s been helpful to me in keeping track of where I’ve been.
Wednesday, November 25, 2009 – the day before Thanksgiving – was my last IV chemo treatment of the rough-stuff, FAC. It was a long six-courses of the stuff (every 3 weeks), starting with my hospitalization in July. Before that, I’d been on Taxol since March 27, 2009 and even before that when I was first diagnosed. November 25 gave me something new to be thankful for – the removal of the PICC line, no more (hopefully) dreadfully bad side effects of the FAC, and an opportunity to feel a little more normal. Normal would be good. Normal would actually be the epitome right now!!
Last week I began the oral chemo treatment of Tamoxifen. It’s just one little pill a day that I take with a full glass of water and a full heart of gratitude for this chance to have a respite. Oh, and also a full measure of prayer that this little pill will keep things going in a good direction so that more IV chemo can be staved off. And healing – always there are prayers for complete healing.
Nose bleeds remain a constant, but they are manageable – nothing at all even remotely like what landed me in the hospital in July. This is all a result of the metastasis in the bone marrow. My poor platelets are pooped and not doing a fabulous job right now, but I remain grateful that they rebound again and again and again, as is proven true by all the blood work that MDAnderson does.
And, as always, I remain “special” and “unique” to my doctors. In fact, last Wednesday when I shared some new side-effect wrinkle that perplexed her, my oncologist looked at me and said, “You know you are a very special cancer patient, right? We continue to be puzzled by what we see in you, and just have to keep a close watch.” I nodded. I’ve heard it all before, although “special” was a nice way to put it. Usually they just say I’m a puzzle. Yeah, fabulous. A puzzle with a few pieces missing, maybe?
Still, I hold firm to this one fact: God made me. I’m not a puzzle to Him. He knows me inside-out and outside-in. He knows every hair on my head (or lack of them) and has them all numbered (not too hard to do these days!) He holds my life in His hands and I am His. I am His.
I am His. I can’t tell you how many times that thought has interrupted my fears and questions lately. I belong to Him. This one thought means all the world to me and brings me more peace than I could share. Whatever happens, whatever comes – good or bad – I belong to Him and He loves me with such a deep, abiding love that it has changed my heart and life in ways that have surprised and amazed me over the past year and a half. Mostly, when I reduce it all down – I belong to Him. I am His.
. . . And He is mine.
