June 21, 2009 ~ Learning
It’s been a while since I posted an update on how my health journey is going – and there’s a reason for that. Typically, if there’s a lull in my blogging, it’s because things aren’t going so well, because the only thing that keeps me from writing (which has been a passion since childhood) is that I’m just too sick to do so. Otherwise I’ll be here spilling my guts, my heart, and my thoughts out onto the page or screen ’cause I just can’t help it. It’s what makes me tick.
This course of chemo’s been hard – and that is a generous understatement. The first round of chemo went so phenomenally well that I just assumed it would continue on that way in subsequent rounds, should they be necessary. It just hasn’t been like that this time around though. It’s been beyond difficult. I wish I knew why, but I don’t. And even if I knew why, what difference would it really make? Except that I’m sort of put together that way – I like to know why. Don’t you? Somehow it makes it a wee bit easier to know the reason. The other night, when things were particularly rough, I remember crying out to God, “What am I supposed to be learning from all this? What is it You want me to learn???” John was with me, and he didn’t know the answer to that question either, but he did the best thing anyone could do – he came over next to me, put his arm around me and prayed. What else can we do? Who else can we turn to but God?
This is not to say that things are all going poorly overall. In fact, they aren’t at all! Yes, the chemo’s made me feel weak and sick and crushed under its effects, but (and this is a BIG but . . .) the chemo is also working to kill cancer cells. As of Wednesday, my platelet number is all the way up to 119, which is only 21 points away from the low end of the normal range!!! We rejoice in that good news, because it is VERY good news indeed! That number is the biggest sign of how things are going, and to see it edging ever closer to normal makes me feel like the battle’s all worth it.
And then a funny thing happened at church this morning. Pastor Alan preached about how we are to learn, adapt and overcome. Of course, he didn’t know that I had just asked God that piercing question, but God did. And He is teaching me through this experience. Teaching me to depend upon Him more, because I’ve reached the end of what I can control or comprehend. He is in control, and I’m learning to trust Him more, learning that He is faithful, and learning that I will never fully explore the depths of His love for me. And, through the strength that He gives me day by day, I believe that I will also learn to adapt and be an overcomer in this circumstance. I am learning, and He has been patiently teaching me more about His nature little-by-little all along the way. And there is so much to learn! I know I’ll never fully understand more than would fit into a thimble but oh, I’m so grateful to know that this situation is not wasted and that He is teaching me!
Situations and circumstances come along for everyone. Some are wonderful and some are devastating – but isn’t it glorious to know that they are not wasted when we ask Him to teach us through them? Something about that just makes me feel so much better!
And so we learn, we learn to lean, we learn to trust… yes, how great, how far, how wide is His love for us. Even in such pain and confusion He is there. He is faithful. He is true. He is just. He is our I Am! Our EVERY need.
How awesome for you to boast of His love through your circumstance and share your path so, we too, can learn from your endurance!
Thank you so much for your testimony within and without the ups and downs and you share hope with all.
Ginger